Can the San Antonio Spurs Handle the Spice?

Have you ever ever discovered your self standing in your kitchen, half-awake, attempting to cobble collectively a snack? Then, upon failing to search out something that can really fulfill your wants, being hit by an epiphany that the members of the San Antonio Spurs absolutely get pleasure from a very good snack as properly? And then you begin questioning if any of the gamers are cool with spicy meals like on Hot Ones?

It’s okay in the event you’ve solely skilled half or none of these issues, as a result of it actually simply occurred to me. So, right here we go! It’s the official Fiesta Shorts Spurs Spice Rankings.

Let’s Get Spicy Like Scorching Ones

As an alternative of a 1-15 rating of who can deal with essentially the most spice, I positioned gamers in tiers. For one, it’s rather a lot simpler that means. Secondly, I’m utterly making this up as I am going. Third, naming tiers is enjoyable. Okay, based mostly on their traits on and off the courtroom, let’s get began.

“Ketchup is Spicy” Tier

• Jakob Poeltl
• Jeremy Sochan
• Doug McDermott
• Romeo Langford
• Tre Jones

Poeltl and Sochan are too European to understand spice. On prime of that, they performed school ball at BYU and Baylor – two of the least spicy locations I can consider. I’m throwing Jones in right here as a result of he went to Duke and I simply can’t imagine individuals who go to Duke are allowed to eat spicy meals.

“Jalapeño Makes Me Cry” Tier

• Isaiah Roby
• Joe Wieskamp
• Malaki Branham
• Dominick Barlow

It’s okay guys, spice isn’t for everybody. Maybe just a few years in San Antonio will assist these guys construct their tolerance. The principle distinction between this tier and “Ketchup is Spicy” is that these guys don’t preemptively order milk with dinner or they’ve barely higher poker faces.

“I Love Sriracha” Tier

• Keita Bates-Diop
• Jordan Corridor
• Blake Wesley

We have to dispel any rumors that sriracha is definitely spicy. It’s good, and it can enhance a meal. It may possibly ever so barely up the warmth on an in any other case bland dish. These guys are in for a world of ache in the event that they step out of their consolation zone. Not less than they’ll eat a jalapeño popper with out tearing up although!

“For Higher or Worse, Not Afraid” Tier

• Devin Vassell
• Josh Primo
• Keldon Johnson
• Zach Collins

These fearless youths are open to journey, whether or not they’re ready for it or not. It’s an effective way to be taught your limits, or to be taught your limits and proceed ignoring them anyway. They may not signal a waiver and enter a sizzling wing consuming competitors, however they’ll order no matter sauce is a stage or two under that sauce. In any case, they’re nonetheless younger sufficient to outlive the implications the subsequent day.

Should you’ve acquired any questions on why Collins is right here, I have to inform you that I’ve had some extremely spicy meals in Portland. I’d prefer to imagine Collins has too.

“I Breathe Fireplace” Tier

• Gorgui Dieng
• Alize Johnson
• Josh Richardson
• Tommy Kuhse

Let me begin with Kuhse. I don’t fairly know methods to clarify it, however I totally imagine that this dude is a type of sneaky guys who can eat fireplace with out even sweating. Open up a photograph and have a look at his eyes, you’ll see what I imply.

Dieng, because the elder statesman of the workforce, appears like a pure match. He’d eat your spiciest do-it-yourself salsa and say one thing like “Oh, yeah that’s form of sizzling” whereas the individual subsequent to them coughs uncontrollably for 45 minutes.

Lastly, I feel I most wish to exit for wings with Johnson and Richardson. I dunno, they only give me stable tremendous sizzling wing-eating vibes.

Can YOU Deal with the Warmth?

If any Spurs occur to be studying this, please do let me understand how horribly flawed I’ve gotten this. Subsequent time I’m in San Antonio, the primary order of wings are on Fiesta Shorts (possibly let me run this by the finance workforce first).

Thanks for studying, please be sort to one another on the market.

Fiesta Shorts is a brand new weekly collection on Challenge Spurs. Earlier than the 2022-2023 NBA season, Fiesta Shorts, “A completely non-serious Spurs weblog” existed as a Substack and publication, and you may find old posts here. Now, and going ahead, you’ll discover Fiesta Shorts on Challenge Spurs, and we (a.okay.a. Fiesta Shorts a.okay.a. Hint a.okay.a. the creator) are stoked about it!